i'm turning twenty-one this week.
i've been lucky enough to have been blessed with the best friends on the planet. friends who get so excited and plan surprises all weekend and can't wait five more days to give me a gift. happiness is everywhere, with the closing of the semester, holidays just around the corner, and so much to celebrate. yet, somehow i can't make myself be quite as happy as everyone else.
because all i can think about is you.
its weird to think you've been gone for seventeen years now. its never really gotten any easier. in fact, it has gotten so much harder in the last three years to know that you haven't been here for so many things: first job, first car, graduation, going off to college... every birthday is a battle of emotions for me to either be happy about my birth or mourning because of your death. that happens to be the only day on which i routinely visit your grave, too. i hate going there, because i know you aren't there; just a box full of atoms that used to contain your bountiful spirit remains. and i can only hope that heaven is as beautiful as i've imagined it to be, and you take a few moments rest from all of the dancing and singing and oh-so-glorious splendor to glance down and see what mischief we've all been getting into.
i'm a nursing major, as i'm sure you know. i want to go into pediatric oncology, and can hopefully make it into a ministry. i don't want to help families deal with death (although it will happen), but rather i want to help families really live for whatever time they have left together. because i would do anything for one day with you now.
as i've already mentioned, i have the most wonderful friends. you'd love natalie for her kind heart, patrick for being such a gentleman (at least around our parents), liz for being such an example of beauty and grace, paul for his witty humor, anna for her bubbly personality, austin for his loyalty and humor, the list goes on and on. my residents... well, i know you'd love them all. i've always imagined you giving me advice on how i can let them know how much i love them. and zach. how i wish you could meet him so i could know how you felt about him. he really is fantastic, and i think dad even likes him. you'd remind me how blessed i really am when i start to forget.
holly's growing up, too. she'll be eighteen in february. i remember crying the day that she called me to say she got her first job. it is absolutely amazing how fast she's grown up. and she is so beautiful, and i don't think she even realizes it. she has your eyes and your freckles, and it kills me when she tries to cover them up. i'm looking forward to seeing who she grows up to be, and as much as i don't show it sometimes, i can't wait for the day when she wants me to be her best friend.
dad misses you. he doesn't talk about you much, but you can tell when he does. the time that its most hardest for both of us to hold back tears is when we go to the bank and dig through all of your old jewelry. he really loved you so much, and i can only dream of having a husband half of the man that he was to you and is now. luckily, he's had a little help the last fifteen years. though we lost one mom, we were very lucky enough to get another.
every time i see an old friend of yours or of granny's, that person never fails to tell me that i look just like you, and that's the greatest compliment to me. i must admit, they are right; i'm a spitting image of you. i inherited your wild curly hair, and i've done my best to embrace it. however, if i had a dollar for every time dad said, "are you going to brush your hair today?" i'd be stiff competition for bill gates. when you and dad combined chromosomes, i think both of your personalities meshed as well. i can only imagine that my drive to love and help others comes from you, while my stubbornness and need to achieve comes from dad. i hope its okay that i wear your clothes. luckily, eighties fashion is coming back in style so i don't look too outrageous... you were truly a beauty queen.
my biggest regret in life is that i don't remember much of you at all; most of you exists in my head as the woman i think you were. but i'm trying my hardest to become the best reflection of you that i can. i hope i can make you proud.
there's not a single day that goes by that i don't think of you. i love you, and i miss you, mom.
see you soon.
your (oldest, smartest, prettiest, most humble) daughter
